When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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