Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
