I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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