ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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