i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
