Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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