you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
