I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
