Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
