I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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