I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
