Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize