Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
