She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
