The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
