If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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