I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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