she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
