You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
