please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
