I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
