I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
