I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
