just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
