just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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