What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
