youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
