He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
