i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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