So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just had sex on a roof
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
