My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
