ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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