Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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