Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
