No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
