Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
