The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
