Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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