well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
