What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
