just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
