Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
