I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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