I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
