i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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