what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
