dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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