Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You need a sexual gate keeper
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
