I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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