he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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