I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
