Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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