Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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