I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
