whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
