I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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