some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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