Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
