I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
