My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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